As I was watching the Today show the other day, and Matt Lauer was doing a segment on Mid-Life Crises', I got to thinking (which can always be dangerous), Why does it have to be a "crisis"?? I am going to be 35 this year, I have recently decided to ask my husband for a divorce, and I don't feel like I'm in crisis. I feel like I'm in Transition.
Of course there is definite sadness about the end of my marriage but I leave my 9+ year relationship with him with no regrets, knowing that I have tried, that I have grown immensely in this phase of my life. I am Utterly and totally aware of myself and the need to Focus all of my energies towards being the absolute best me I can be, so that I can be the best mother I can be.
I have become blissfully aware of the amount of support the surrounds me and have no concept of how I could consider myself in "crisis" when there are so many tragedies that occur throughout the world every day and there are those that never get the opportunity to have even a small amount of the joy and good fortune that I have had. I AM supported and I am going to support myself by being aware of all that I am grateful for.
I do not believe in regrets. One of my very favorite quotes is: "regrets are a waste of time; they are the past, crippling you in the present." (that's a line from one of my very favorite movies Under the Tuscan Sun ) Sure, there were plenty of mistakes made in the past and I spent plenty of time spinning my wheels missing the lessons that life was putting before me. I intend to do my best to stay true to myself and live with honesty and integrity. I have also heard a wonderful quote many times (and forgive me for not being able to site the origin) that perfectly and simply states what I believe is (or should be) the parents mantra: "Be the person, You wish your children to become."
My children are AMAZING! Nico is going to be 9 this year and he's also VERY shiny. He is a bouncy (literally) child with a huge imagination and a kind spirit. Mia is going to be 5 and is sparkly. :-) She has an infectious smile and a strong spirit. They amaze me and I want them to know that. I have been very absorbed in myself for a long time and whilst I do not feel that I have failed them, I did not always give them my best. I am more and more aware of how awesome they are and how blessed I am to be a part of there journey. I don't think it's possible to be a perfect parent but i do believe that parenting is a huge responsibility and the only way to be fully committed to your children is to be fully committed to yourself.
*note... The above was written in April and I'm just now getting around to finishing this post. I wasn't sure I was ready to post anything about this transition just yet so I stopped. As I post more and more about moving and my new place and needing things for my new place, I've been getting more and more "Why are you moving?" and so rather than just answer vaguely to each post, I decided to finish this blog entry.
So.... now it's June. I am moving into a new home at the end of this month and I am very pleased with the home I have found. My community and friends have really rallied around me and helped me to not only find a place but to also fill it with the miscellaneous items that I need to fill it. I am SO BLESSED!!! My new home is just up the street so my move will be easy and Scott is not moving so I don't have to be quite so rushed which is ideal. My parents are keeping the kids for the week of the move so I can move in at my own pace and they will come home to new rooms that are (hopefully) set up. My wonderful friends are helping me to do some painting and pre-moving cleaning, I appreciate them SO MUCH!
The kids.... We originally decided to tell them when school was over but then decided with lots of advice that they would do better with hearing about change while there life was still consistent. This was great advice! Nico took the news VERY hard and I'm not going to expand much on this but he has come to accept the decision and I feel is adjusting to the idea well. I am expecting the transition to go smoothly but I'm sure there will be some kinks in the hose. Fingers Crossed! We're talking a lot. <3 Mia doesn't really get it. I think she's at an age that she will make it through this well.
My goal for Scott and I is that we be better friends so that we may be the best co-parents possible. I truly want nothing but happiness for him and believe that we will succeed in raising our children together. I will always have love for him and I am grateful that he is the father of my children. He loves them and they love him and that's all I can ask. We have spent the past three years in counseling and I don't think we wasted our time at all! We have both grown and unfortunately it was apart and not together.
So, That's what's up. LOL I am also starting a new job the same week I'm moving! I'm Ecstatic about this!!! I will be teaching Massage Therapy at Columbus State Community College! This is a dream that I have had for a very long time and I am so excited!
Lot's of NEW news and it's a bit of a whirlwind but I'm taking it all in and appreciating it all. The most common reaction to my news about the "D" word is "I'm Sorry!" but I really don't want anyone to be sorry. I'm not going to dwell on what didn't work, I'm going to focus on the life I have ahead. I don't mean that in any way to be disrespectful to Scott, I am truly Grateful for the almost 10 years we have had. I believe that you bring into your life what you think about and I refuse to dwell in sadness about what I can not control. Besides, I don't think that would serve my children at all. I am excited about the next phase of my life and that's not because it doesn't include Scott, it really has nothing to do with him, it's because I feel stronger and more aware of who I am than ever and I believe that I have a big purpose in this life and the best way to fulfill that is to be the best me I can and that's what I am doing. Scott and I are just different people who want different things out of life. It's not bad or good, it just is.
Y'all know I can "talk" forever so I'm cutting myself off (for now). I hope that my friends will continue to support Scott just as much as you support me and know that he will always be my family. I'm going to let him read this before I post it and i want him to know that I truly love and honor him JUST AS HE IS!